New Beginnings

Hello… I can’t believe it has really been 2 months since I last updated.  If I had a tape recorder installed in my brain to record all of my internal chatter, it would drive you nuts like it does me at times, but you’d know that I speak to you often.  I’ve “written” this update a million times in my head already.  Edited it.  Scrapped it.  Rewrote it.  At one point, I thought I actually sent it.  

 

So to begin, first and foremost, this is NOT a bad news story.  I have only good news to tell.  

 

I had my appointment with the Oncologist.  We reviewed my bloodwork and CT scan results.  There has been no change (the presumed fibroids have unchanged in size).  No evidence of recurrence (the cancer that is in my system is still contained).  No adenopathy (which mean my lymph nodes are not enlarged, therefore, not fighting disease).  No omental pathology or ascites (a fold of peritoneum passing from the stomach is fine and there is no accumulation of fluid in the peritoneal cavity).  Can I hear a “Woo Woo!” while we fist pump the air?!

 

As for the lapse in posts.  I did say I would post once a month… and I managed that for a short stint.  This time was different.  The month of January and February for me were one of excitement and dread.  I had the wonderful opportunity of seeing and visiting with family that flew in from out of town.  I love my family.  They’re part of my tapestry… without them, I’m empty.  I also had a wonderful weekend in Vegas.  The sun did wonders for my bones and the city does keep its promise to entertain and distract you from “the now”.  

The down side:  Getting sick at Christmas knocked me down and I had a heck of a struggle climbing back.  Body pain for me has been at a peak.  At times, I wish like Mr. Potato Head, I could remove my limbs and just be painless for a little while.  But that’s not possible.  My bloodwork leading up to the CT scan over those two months were not great.  The tumour markers have been increasing steadily and of course that got my anxiety rising.  One day I functioned, the next, my energy drained from me like an unclogged sink draining water. As each “medical” and “physical” aspect arrived with lousy results, my mind couldn’t shut off the switch.  I tried to keep a positive attitude.  I tried my best to be strong and have courage.  But in essence, these last two months, I kept waiting for the hammer to drop… to read and hear that the reason for the increase in pain and increase in tumour marker levels was because the cancer was back.  Hence, I didn’t know what to post.  I didn’t have the scan results to confirm anything.  I was waiting for my appointment with the oncologist.  I fought to succumb to the negative – but there wasn’t a lot of positive in me at the time.  I also realized that I had taken the “living in the now” to such a degree, that I forgot I could also have a future.

 

Let me take you back to April 23, 2013.  I was sitting in front of the Sheraton Wall Centre in downtown Vancouver.  I had an appointment to see my Gastroenterologist and arrived very early.  I brought a book, a bottle of water and a bag of chips. For the life of me, I couldn’t tell you what the name of the book was but the chip flavor was Mrs. Vickie’s Salt and Vinegar – go figure, I remember that.  I sat there, distracted, unable to concentrate.  I gave up trying to read and instead I sat soaking in the sun, mesmerized by the fountain’s spray that looked like falling diamonds and watching people walk by or having lunch with coworkers and friends.  I can tell you what I distinctly remember about that moment.  The voice in my head telling me to remember this moment, because the rest of my life was about to change forever.  It did.  To say the last three years have been interesting, is obviously an understatement.  

 

Fast forward to February 23, 2016.  My latest appointment with the Oncologist and I’m early.  The sun is out and it was a clear blue sky.  We hadn’t had a day like that in so very long and I was thankful for it.  The sun warmed my bones and even gave me a pink nose.  It felt like that day almost three years ago… but this time, surprisingly, there was no trepidation in the air.  I tried to sense if I had any anxiety, but there was none.  I read my book.  Had my bottle of water.  No chips this time, I had nuts instead.  I even had a wonderful chance meeting with one of my chemo nurses.  We laughed, we caught up and I felt good.  

 

It was exactly 2 years and 10 months since that fateful day in 2013. I know these numbers only because at one time, surviving day to day, month to month was all I could see.  I am tired.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I have been trying to cram a lifetime of love, advice, memories, nagging, hugs and kisses, wisdom and knowledge with and into my family.  It was a few days before my appointment with the oncologist last week when I came to the realization that I was done cramming.  I was done waiting.  I was done looking over my shoulder.  This was not living.  I had to change the way I looked at things or there was no meaningful life to be had.  

 

I also had an internal war stemming from continuing a story that no longer needs to be told.  Every story has a beginning.  Every story has an end.  And this story has come to an end.  A happy one.  I want to end this story on a high note, so I am taking this opportunity… this gift… and actually appreciating it for what it is.  A chance to move on and to put this chapter behind me.   

 

This blog gave me an opportunity to speak to you and keep you up to date on my journey and in the end, it also proved to be very cathartic for me.  I want to continue that, but instead I want to have something to make me accountable for keeping myself on track; ‘practice what I preach’, as they say.  To continue healing.  To continue learning and researching for new ways to heal, to get stronger, to be wiser, to find peace.  And I wish to share that with you.  A new chapter in my journey.  It will have a difference face, look and purpose.  One that is positive and informative.  I will continue to update my health status – but it will not be the focus.  

 

I haven’t quite got it all sorted out just yet, but I’m working on it.  Slowly but surely.  The next time I post on this blog, it will be to give you a link to my new beginning.

 

Thank you… forever and sincerely, for all that you have given me.  

Angela  xox