The surgery decision has been made.

I had hoped to write this update to you and have it posted for Friday night, but I was exhausted, drained and my brain was fried.  I just needed to relax and laugh with my family.  As you know from my last post, yesterday I met with the surgeon to make a decision on having my ileostomy reversed.  I made my decision and I signed the consent papers for surgery yesterday. 

 

I have to tell you that this may have been one of my toughest decision yet and having too much time to do decide on it didn’t help.  I waffled on this and changed my mind EVERDAY, sometimes twice a day for over 3 weeks.  Over the past year and half when I made decisions pertaining to my health, I have always gone with my gut instinct.  This was the first time I went against it.  When I thought not to do the reversal, I based it all on fear of what couldhappen in the future if I did do the surgery.  Would the cancer come back because I was opened up from chest to navel?  Did I poke the sleeping bear?  My bowel hadn’t been used in so long, that the muscles may paralyze or spasm and I could have continued blockage or that my muscles would respond and I may become incontinent for an indefinite period of time.  I would disrupt our whole family life again just when we adjusted and arrived at a new normal.  My diet would have to be changed again for recovery and most of allowable foods such as white bread, white rice, cheese, minimal fibre, is exactly what I cannot do… I live on a full fibre diet of whole grains, fruits and vegetables.  That is too much for a healing colon to tackle.  But all those factors aside, and there were so many more, no matter how practical and logical they were, I still had this feeling inside of me that wouldn’t let it go. 

 

Some of you asked if I had to make the decision now.  Could I wait and postpone it.  Yes, I could have.  I was not pressured either way by the doctors or my family.  I was being supported no matter what decision I made.  But as each day passed, and I postpone this decision, it would be  another day that my colon muscles would be rendered “lazy” and recovery would be that much more difficult.  I also have a perfect window of opportunity with the cancer being shrunk and contained and not being on chemo at the present time.  I need to be three months free of chemo treatment  by the surgeon’s standards to have surgery and I have already knocked one of those months down.  Two more to go. 

 

My decision to go through with the reversal were for the following reasons:

·         The oncologist and the surgeon alleviated certain concerns when I asked them my list of countless questions.  And trust me when I say, there many questions.  Most of the horror stories that I read had to do with the fact that those surgeries entailed cancer tumours near the rectum.  My tumour wasn’t that low in the bowel and if a portion needs to be cut out, my sphincter muscles will not be compromised.  I will have to adjust to a new bowel schedule, and it will take some time to bring my muscles back to order, but I am being positive about what that will look like.  After all, I had to adjust to the ileostomy too. 

·         I remembered that I was given the ileostomy to get stronger, have chemo and go back in for surgery.  It was never to be permanent and I forgot that very key piece of information.  I forgot that the ileostomy was a way to live while I got stronger…that it was only put there temporarily.  The ileostomy became my security blanket. And in truth, I don’t have to keep it.   

·         I allowed my fear to creep into my family life.  From day one, I have tried to keep positive.  I did not dwell on the negative.  Yet I manifested such fear and anxiety that it took a core meltdown of crying and despair to actually say the words “I want this reversed, but I can’t because my family is finally comfortable again”.  And it was my family that assured me that this time I had to be selfish and make the decision for me.  Not for them.  I had hoped that going through this journey, I would be an example to my children of what to do and not to do.  An inspiration of how to live a life built on happiness not on regret.  Decisions should never be based on fear and I refuse to allow fear to control my life.  I have preached countless times that we should count our blessings and here I was given another one and I didn’t acknowledge it. 

 

I used to have this vision of being back at St. Paul’s Hospital and the nurse would come to take me down for surgery to reverse the stoma.  It would be that sweet kind angel of a nurse that took me down in May last year to have it done in the first place.  She would be surprised and happy to see me; we would cry… it would be full circle.  I want this stoma reversed and always had in it my mind to do so… but I seriously didn’t think that it was ever going to be a possibility!!!  Living with cancer I could do.  Having no ileostomy was a pipe dream.  Now that the opportunity presented itself, I felt I was being tested. 

 

My desire to be “normal” again will never happen.  Reversal, or not, I will never be the same.  Too much has happened and I have grown too much to allow myself to regress.  I cannot live my life on what could happen.  I cannot worry about what hasn’t happened yet.  If I do that, I bring all of that negativity to fruition.  Since I have made this choice, my stomach is no longer filled with acid; my chest is free to breathe; and I no longer wake up with it on my mind. I never had a moment’s peace.  I do now.  I am at peace with this decision.

 

Surgery will be booked sometime in December.  I will still be monitored by the oncologist every 3 weeks to ensure that everything stays status quo.  It’s a rainy Saturday morning… I think I’ll surprise the kids and make them cinnamon buns.  Life is good.  I am counting every blessing I have been given and will give Thanks this weekend… how timely. 

 

Wishing you and yours a very beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving. 

Love Angela xox